$\DeclareMathOperator\sgn{sgn}$How about arguing by induction? I claim that there is a homomorphism map $\sgn_n : \Sigma_n \to \{\pm1\}$ that takes the value $-1$ at every transposition. This is vacuously true for $n = 0$ and $n = 1$.
In general, suppose that $n$ is greater than $1$ and we have such a map $\sgn_{n - 1}$ on $\Sigma_{n - 1}$.
Let $\tau$ be the transposition that swaps $n$ and $n - 1$. Since $\Sigma_n$ equals $\Sigma_{n - 1} \sqcup \Sigma_{n - 1}\tau\Sigma_{n - 1}$, and since two elements of $\Sigma_{n - 1}$ that are conjugate by $\tau$ are already conjugate in $\Sigma_{n - 1}$ (so that $\sgn_{n - 1}$ agrees on them), there is a unique function $\sgn_n : \Sigma_n \to \{\pm1\}$ that transforms by $\sgn_{n - 1}$ under left and right translation by $\Sigma_{n - 1}$, and that takes the value $1$ at $1$ and $-1$ at $\tau$. Since all transpositions that move $n$ are conjugate under $\Sigma_{n - 1}$, the map $\sgn_n$ is independent of the choice of $\tau$.
I originally thought that it was obvious that $\sgn_n$ was a homomorphism, and said:
It's hard to imagine your, or anyone's, liking this argument better than the one proposed by @TheoJohnsonFreyd in the comments or by @DavidESpeyer in the answers, but I think it doesn't violate any of your interdicts.
… but now I see that some computation has to be done, which was at least tacitly ruled out. Oh well!
It is clear that $\sgn_n(\sigma)^{-1}\sgn_n(\sigma\bullet)$ equals $\sgn_n$ for all $\sigma \in \Sigma_{n - 1}$; and that $\sgn_n(\tau)^{-1}\sgn_n(\tau\bullet)$ equals $1$ andat $1$ and $-1$ at $\tau$, and transforms by $\sgn_{n - 1}$ under left translation by $\Sigma_{n - 2}$ and right translation by $\Sigma_{n - 1}$. It thus remains only to show that $\sgn_n(\tau)^{-1}\sgn_n(\tau\bullet)$ agrees with $\sgn_n$ at every element of the form $\sigma\tau$, where $\sigma \in \Sigma_{n - 1}$ is a transposition that moves $n - 1$. The braid relations—mentioned in one of your bullet points as a possible acceptable line of attack—say that $\tau\sigma\tau$ equals $\sigma\tau\sigma$. Thus, $\sgn_n(\tau)^{-1}\sgn_n(\tau\sigma\tau)$ equals $-\sgn_n(\sigma\tau\sigma) = \sgn_{n - 1}(\sigma)\sgn_{n - 1}(\sigma)\sgn_n(\tau)\sgn_{n - 1}(\sigma) = \sgn_n(\sigma\tau)$.